Research: Teens Like Parents

Canadian researchers have recently discovered a shocking fact: Teens like their parents! Ok, maybe they don’t like them all the time, and even when they do it’s often hard to tell. But in the latest installment of a Canadian study called Project Teen Canada, researchers found that teens today do in fact have stronger ties to their parents than any group of young people in the past 30 years.

The study, which has spanned 25 years, found that 90% of teens are highly influenced by their mothers and 80% by their fathers. Additionally, teens today report arguing less with parents and they feel more understood by parents than teens from previous decades. The report went on to say that today’s teens also enjoy spending time with their parents much more than teens that were surveyed as recent as the year 2000. So, assuming that Canadian and American teens are pretty much the same except for their chosen pronunciation of a handful of words, chances are that your teens like you more than you liked your mom and dad.

But why the change? Well, according to the researchers in this study, parents today are simply doing a better job focusing on their families. They are reportedly better at balancing work and family life and are spending more time getting to know their teens. This boost in quality time has led to more communication and increased parental influence in the lives of young people.

However, these better relationships may not have translated to better teens. As interaction between parents and teens has reportedly improved over the years, and parental influence has also increased, we as a society are still dealing with huge amounts teen drug and alcohol abuse as well as STD’s and pregnancy. Maybe this is because some of today’s parents are actually spending less time, not more, focusing on their kids. Numerous studies tell us that families are no longer eating meals together, have less face to face interaction, and operate much less as a cohesive unit. Many parents, instead of spending time with teens simply give them what they want and let them do whatever they please. Through this “path of least resistance” approach to parenting, teens and parents are bound to get along because they interact more like friends than parent and child.

However by giving teens what they want, parents aren’t always giving them what they need. It’s important for parents to remember that it’s not your job to give your teen what he wants so he’s happy, nor is it your job to merely enforce rules to keep him safe. The job of a parent is to raise healthy responsible adults and to do that parents must say “No” when they must, “Yes” when they can and most of all parents must strive to spend as much time as possible getting to know their teens.

It is through this time together that your communication with your teen will grow and he will be able to understand that you provide freedom out of trust and boundaries out of love.

House of Hope Ribbon Cutting

You are invited to House of Hope Joplin’s Ribbon Cutting Ceremony and Open House on March 17th.  We are inviting the entire Joplin community to learn more about our growing ministry and work in the Joplin area.

We are located at 614 S. Wall Street, Suite 3 in Joplin.

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What Your Teen Really Needs

The key to your teenager’s happiness isn’t what you think
By Jim Burns

Q. With three busy teenagers, our family life is incredibly chaotic. The stress is impacting the kids and our marriage. How can we get our lives back on track?

A. While it is probably wise to re-evaluate your family activity level and scale back a bit, I find that families often make themselves busy in order to avoid the deeper issues that add stress to the family. So many of the parents of teens I know spend the bulk of their time in crisis mode. They spend their waking moments moving from breakfast to laundry to meetings to soccer practice to homework to dinner to church to the bills, and finally, to bed. I see them spinning the plates of marriage, children, work, home, church, extended family, and volunteer work. They tell me they are afraid that if they quit spinning, a plate will crash. So they keep on spinning.

Unfortunately, the plate that often gets neglected is the marriage. Sadly, it’s often the kids who suffer the most when a marriage falls apart. Teens still need a strong home base and the sense of security that comes from knowing the adults in their lives are happy and healthy. In other words, when you work at making your marriage healthy, you will reduce the stress in your entire family.

One couple I know, Greg and Dana, hit a crisis when their kids were teenagers. Their marriage had never been what you would call a model marriage, but raising teenagers put too much strain on the relationship. Dana was pouring her life into her kids. Greg was pouring part of his energy into the kids and the rest into his work. On paper they looked good: They were active in church, hardly ever missed their kids’ games, and helped with homework most every night.

The problem was that they seldom gave uninterrupted time to each other. When they did focus on each other they were usually too tired to give out anything but their “emotional scraps.” Greg was dangerously close to having an affair and Dana had resigned herself to having a miserable marriage.

One day their teenage son, Derrek, blurted out, “Why don’t you two spend some time together? Other parents go out on dates and take time away. I don’t know if I even want to get married if it is going to wind up like your marriage!” Greg and Dana were stunned. They hadn’t considered that their kids would notice the distance between them. But here was Derrek, begging for security.

That night Greg and Dana went out for coffee. For the first time in a long time they had an honest talk about their relationship thanks to their son’s comments. He needed them but he also needed them to love each other and make an investment in their marriage.

If your marriage is starting to look like Greg and Dana’s, try some of these ideas:

Date nights. This is the time to court each other. You don’t have to spend much—or any—money. Just get reacquainted. It will do wonders for your marriage and bring greater security to your teens.

House parties. Someone once said, “If the devil can’t make you bad, he will make you busy.” Plan regular “nights off” where your family simply hangs out together.

Time outs. In one family we know, Mom and Dad reserve 15 uninterrupted minutes after dinner to talk about the day and connect. It’s amazing what a cup of hot tea and 15 minutes will do for a relationship.

Long kisses. Make a habit of squeezing in at least one 15-second kiss every day. And don’t be afraid to do it in front of the kids. They might think it’s gross but they will find more security in that kiss than they’ll ever admit.

Keeping your marriage strong is one of the best things you can do for your teenager. So put down some of those plates and get busy reconnecting with the love of your life.

Jim Burns is an author, speaker, and the president of YouthBuilders (youthbuilders.com).

Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Christian Parenting Today magazine.

Raising Culture-Conscious Kids

How to shore your teenager up for life in our world.
by Jim Burns

There is no question that the way we parent is impacted by the world we live in. And what a world it is!

Instead of Ozzie and Harriet, we’ve got Ozzy Osbourne. We have to help our children deal with AIDS, Ecstasy, and terrorism. Movies, music, television, video games, and the Internet offer thousands of ways for our children to get into trouble. It can feel overwhelming to try to give our teenagers the tools they need to make godly decisions in an ungodly world.

Jesus knew we would always live in a delicate balance with culture. He commanded us to go out into the world for his sake (Mark 16:15), but the Bible also reminds us to step carefully (1 John 2:15-16). As parents, we need to teach our children to do just that. Thankfully, Paul’s letter to the Ephesians (see sidebar) can serve as our guide.

Know what you’re up against (Eph. 6:10-12). In any battle, it’s essential to really understand your opponent. Parents must become students of today’s culture and have a sense of reverence for its power and influence. Become familiar with the music your teenager listens too, even if you can’t stand the sound of it. Know what Internet sites he visits, what movies he watches, what books he reads. Read teen magazines and check out MTV once in a while to learn more about the voices that are influencing today’s teens.

Keep your eyes open (Eph. 6:13-17). Just because your child grew up in a Christian home or is part of a youth group doesn’t mean he won’t face the same temptations and influences as his peers. As your teen begins to make more of his own decisions, help him stay grounded in his Christian values and the Word. Talk with him about the gifts God has given him and how he might use them in the world. Ask him about ways his faith can help him deal with the challenges he faces. Encourage his devotional life and help him apply God’s Word to his daily life.

Use the power of prayer (Eph. 6:18). I often wake up in the middle of the night and go into each of my daughters’ rooms and pray over them. I lean toward my wife, place my hands above her head, and I pray for spiritual protection for her. I do this not because I’m a spiritual giant but because I am desperate! The Bible is clear; it is our duty as parents to pray regularly and often for and with our children. In the end, it will be God at work in your teen’s heart that helps him be a light in our dark world.

—Jim Burns is an author, speaker, and the president of YouthBuilders. Learn more about his work at youthbuilders.com.

Ephesians 6:10-18 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International/Christian Parenting Today magazine.

The Center of the Universe

Breaking through your preteen’s selfishness
By Mark Oestreicher

Our 11-year-old seems to think the whole world revolves around her. Why is she suddenly so self-centered?

A. This is an almost universal issue with preteens. Kids who were, just months ago, generous and outward-focused turn in on themselves and become seemingly obsessed with their own lives and incapable of noticing the needs of others.

Think of it this way: self-centeredness is a natural fungus on the tree of development. The crazy amount of change going on in the lives of preteens and young teens (ages 10-14) makes it incredibly difficult for them to pay attention to much of anything else. They are developing so much that sometimes it’s all a kid can do to keep up with her own body and emotions, much less those of someone else.

Where this turns on its head is in the extreme self-consciousness most preteens exhibit. Their bodies are changing rapidly, causing them to be deeply concerned with how other people will perceive these changes. They are testing the waters of forming opinions and developing a worldview and are terrified of being perceived as stupid or weird.

For example, if you were to walk across the back of a crowded lecture room (say, church), you would try to be quiet so as not to distract anyone. At the same time, you assume the people paying attention and facing the opposite direction will not really notice you.

Not so with young teens. In the same situation, they’ll assume that everyone in the room is paying attention to them (apparently through the back of their heads!) and evaluating their every move.

This combination of self-centeredness and self-consciousness is natural, but that doesn’t mean parents should just ignore it. I’ve found that the absolute best antidote is experience—experience that forces their attention on other people.

Make an effort to involve your daughter in activities that allow her to serve others in need. Consider a regular gig serving at a soup kitchen, taking a family missions trip, or working with a Habitat for Humanity team to build a house for a poor family. This establishes a pattern of noticing the needs of others. It can create a small opportunity for noticing that the world is more than just them. These experiences work like yeast in expanding their worldview.

Still, it’s normal for preteens to have a hard time thinking beyond the here and now; if you ask their favorite movie of all time, they’ll say the one they saw last week. Preteens don’t have a sense of their own past and often don’t have a sense of the future either. They live in the moment, which makes it hard for them to project the consequences of their often-selfish actions.

As an adult, you make decisions on the road of life. You can look in the rear-view mirror and see the long path behind you, including the choices you’ve made along the way. You can look at the long stretch ahead of you and get a sense of what’s to come. But preteens are on a sharp curve in the road—the curve of transition and developmental change. The rearview mirror doesn’t show much; and the front view is a blind curve.

To help your daughter move beyond today, ask speculation questions about the future to help her begin to see more of the road (she won’t naturally do this on her own). Ask where she’d like her life to go, what she hopes the next three, five, ten years are like. Go ahead and encourage some fantasy—there’s no need for an 11-year-old to start making concrete career plans.

And remember, this section of the road with its self-centeredness and “all is now” perspective will pass. This is the road God sends all of us down during the preteen years. You can trust that God can bring good things out of even this trying time.

Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers.